Life on hold

Week after chemo.

Fatigue – not the same as tired, tired I understand. Fatigue is completely exhausted for no reason. I have a really hard time getting my head around this. I have to sit down to brush my teeth, because standing up for such a long time is impossible. Who is this person? Where is the woman I used to be? She was so efficient and capable. The amount of things she would get done in a day, wow!

Bored. I never used to get bored, always something to do, places to go. Now I am living an almost completely isolated life. Because the white blood cell count is so low I risk getting infected with something if I go anywhere with people. And I love people. Love meeting old friends and making new ones. I love dining out. Love to travel. To speak and connect with people. I used to talk to strangers all the time. I used to be funny and uplifting. 

Enhanced sence of smell. I can’t stand the smell of coffee, parfume, garlic, sweat etc etc. All the smells in the grocery shop, or bus, or subway are overwhelming. People stink, I stink.

Everything tastes like metal. I still eat my five small meals a day, but nothing tastes as it used to. Wine and cake, my big favourites (not necessarily together), can only be consumed in tiny, tiny amounts. And only because I resist letting go of them.

Mouth sores. Muscle pain. Joint pain. Headache. Freezing.

That’s all. Otherwise I am fine!

In a day or two this phase will be over and things go back to “normal”. I will hopefully get a good week before the next chemo.

But right now life is on hold. I miss me 😥

  

5 thoughts on “Life on hold

  1. Oh my darling friend, I hear you loud and clear. I’ve been lucky, my symptoms have been manageable but even so the fatigue and loss of self overwhelms me. I’ve surfaced from my last chemo coma, ready to tackle the low immunity flare ups. I feel good again, more myself but at the back of my mind lurks the next chemo and I have to fight back a sense of panic. Stay strong beautiful woman-you are not alone, you are constantly in my thoughts. Much love.x

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    1. Aaaw, you make me cry, you are so nice. I think about you as well and follow your journey closely! I will be swimming in self pity for another day, and then I will rise again 👍💪

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  2. Sending you heartfelt healing hugs…this will pass my friend but unfortunately it takes time. Rest, allow your body to heal. You are poisoning the cancer and it’s a lot on your body, but once chemo is over, you can begin to heal without symptoms and regain your strength. Do you use any guided imagery? Like imagining the chemo is white knights fighting the cancer cells and triumphantly winning? Just wondering…xo

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